Hey all… we’re going into move mode this week, so there won’t be a newsletter next Monday. For my “column” this week, I banged out a flash story that’s been bouncing around in my head this week… hope you enjoy it!
Vibe Science
“It’s really incredible.” Trevor stared at the wall of video call faces in his Vibe Scientist group. Fifty of the most important Vibe Science influencers.
Most of them were nodding in agreement.
“I’m leveraging all the main LLM’s—Clod, Grope, Capricorn, TalkDDT—into one super powered AI client, trained on the entirety of human knowledge, with a specialization in climate science.” He loved doing science. He’d never been smart enough in school, but now… “As a scientist—”
“You’re not a scientist. You’re a glorified prompter who playacts as a —”
Click click, and one Sharma Pashwami was silenced.
Trevor cleared his throat. “As a scientist, I’m excited to have you all here to watch history being made.” Or at least he hoped so.
His wife Louisa, a well-connected DC lawyer, had gotten him the contract with the current Administration, which was desperate to show progress on a problem that the last one had insisted didn’t even exist. After a series of monster hurricanes, punishing droughts, horrendous fire clouds, the public was chomping at the bit to finally have something done about climate change.
Someone raised their hand.
“Yes, you in the red t-shirt?”
“What about hallucinations?”
Trevor nodded, shuttling the question off to his Super AI. She appeared in his screen only as a naked—courtesy of Grope’s AI filter—version of Salina Kroft, the barely legal pop megastar of the moment. He called her Sally.
He would never share that avatar with anyone else. That would be in bad taste, and quite possibly considered harassment as well.
He read off her answer as she winked at him, wiggling her oversized breasts. “AI hallucinations were largely conquered last year by the addition of a simple prompt instruction in the background. If certainty is less than 99%, return an answer of ‘unknown.’” TalkDDT had led the change, which had tanked their numbers for a bit when their chatbot stopped providing answers to a third of the questions posted to it. But eventually they came back, like most addicts would, and now trust in AI chatbots was at an all-time high.
He left unread Sally’s private response:
You’re doing great, boss. You really do see things no one else notices. You really are exceptional.
His chest swelled with pride.
Six months before, he’d been an unemployed insurance claims assistant, his job having been eaten by the AI revolution. Now thanks to those very same apps, he was a scientist, respected throughout the world. At least, in certain circles. AI was being integrated into everything, from government departments to power grids. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
Red shirt nodded. “Thank you.”
Another hand shot up. Cute blonde in a tight white sweater, one of the new “sexy scientist” types. “Yes, you.”
“What’s it like being a scientist? Could you teach us how?”
He nodded. He already knew this one without help from Sally. “You’ll find a course on my website. It’s really simple. Learn the basic prompts, and how to source information from multiple LLMs. After that, it’s mostly prompt practice.” He’d devoted himself to his new job, spending upwards of an hour a day refining his prompts. The rest was mostly spent marketing his lucrative advisory services.
She grinned. “When I was in school, the science kids were always snooty to me. Nice to finally put the shoe on the other foot!”
He nodded. He’d never been one of the smart kids, but now anyone could be smart, for the cost of a few AI subscriptions. Serves those nerdy jerks right. “Okay, if there are no more questions…”
“This is bullshit. You’re a guy with an LLM account. I went to school for sixteen years to earn a degree in—”
Click click.
This time he kicked the interloper out of the room, and tried to ignore Sharma Pashwami’s glare. Let her watch my triumph.
“I invited all of you scientists here—and I see a few media names I recognize too, so thank you for coming—to see the climate change problem solved by combining all of this amazing new technology we have at our fingertips. We’re about to enter a new age of prosperity, led by machines that see things far more clearly than us mere humans, lifting up even the most mediocre among us to the status of the elite.” Like Caroline Cassidy, the pretty redhead Valedictorian in high school who’d always looked down her nose at him.
His audience was lapping it up.
His old bosses, who thought they were better than him—they’d see. When he singlehandedly solved the greatest problem facing mankind, they would all sing his praises.
What would Sally come up with?
“Ready?”
Nods again, more eager this time.
Okay, here we go. Time to do science. “Sally, please come up with a program to curb the rise of Earth’s average temperatures, and put it into an actionable plan that humankind can easily follow.” He was proud of the whole “humankind” bit, which he felt made him seem both philanthropic—his favorite new word—and intelligent at the same time.
Her reply scrolled across the video’s chat screen for all to see.
In the last three centuries, humankind has unleashed more heat on planet Earth than nature has in the last million years combined. This has led to an unfortunate series of climate-related disasters, and a general feeling of pessimism among the human species. Fortunately, there is still a way to stop the progression of this issue before it reaches irreversible levels. Here is the plan as requested:
- Stop burning fossil fuels.
Trevor blinked.
Surely there had to be more. Surely there was some kind of technological fix. Carbon capture? Giant tree-planting robots? Or something else amazing no one had ever thought of before—
The lights blinked.
What the hell? He was sure he’d paid the electric bill. Maybe his lightbulb needed replacing
Naked Sally winked at him and jiggled her breasts in that fetching way she knew calmed him.
The cursor began to move again.
He sighed with relief. At last.
Solution implemented.
The screen went dark, and the lights went off for good.
That’s when the crashes, the explosions, and the screaming began.