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POINT OF VIEW: The Best Oreos

oreos - deposit photos

Every writer has their vice. For some it’s the siren call of alcohol – a nightcap before bed to help drown out the muse’s voice, or a cold beer in the afternoon after a hard couple hard hours wrestling with plot bunnies and squirrels. Hey, anyone know the difference? I could never figure it out.

For others, it’s the terrible lure of social media, a great place to avoid, you know, actually having to write something, while feeling good about yourself for posting all those fantastic writing memes to your Instagram account, Twitter feed, or Facebook page.

For me, it’s Oreos.

Angel posed this question to me for my weekly column:

How about a review of Oreo types?

So of course I had to take the challenge.

There are at least twenty-five – count ’em, twenty-five! – known kinds of Oreos in the wild. I have only sampled a handful – I apparently need to up my Oreo game!

Some are simply variations of others:

  • Fudge-Dipped Oreo Thins Bites: tiny fudge-dipped Oreos
  • Oreo Thin Bites: ditto for Oreo Thins
  • Fudge-Dipped Mint Oreo Thins Bites: you get the picture.

When you narrow it down to actual flavors (filling and/or cookie), you end up with fifteen:

  • Birthday Cake
  • Carrot Cake
  • Chocolate
  • Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie
  • Dark Chocolate
  • Fudge-Dipped
  • Golden
  • Lemon
  • Mint
  • Original
  • Peanut Butter
  • Pistachio
  • White Fudge-Dipped
  • Red Velvet
  • Spring

And then there are the different sizes of the original flavor Oreo:

  • Minis
  • Thins
  • Original
  • Double Stuf
  • Mega Stuf
  • Most Stuf

Flavorwise, I’ve tried Chocolate, Chocolate-Dipped, Golden, Mint, Original, Peanut Butter to date. I’ll throw out the “Golden” and the “Lemon” flavors right off the bat. These cookies might carry the Oreo name. They might even taste good. But if it ain’t a chocolate cookie, it ain’t an Oreo. Don’t agree? Sue me.

I like the Mint ones. I mean, throw a bit of mint in anything and I’m yours. The Chocolate was good too – and I am positively drooling over the idea of a Dark Chocolate or Red Velvet Oreo. Where is my chin-wiping assistant when I need him?

The Fudge-Covered Oreos are a little too much of a good thing – the signature Oreo flavor gets lost under all that chocolate.

And Peanut Butter Oreos? it makes me feel a little dirty.

I’m afraid it’s a hard no on Pistachio, and what the hell kinda flavor is “Spring”? What does it taste like – fresh leaves and rain?

For sizes, I firmly believe that anything above Double Stuf is just too much stuf (and where did the extra “f” go? I mean if you’re gonna add extra stuff, wouldn’t you add an extra f too?). If I’m being super-honest here, even Double Stuf is dubious – that much stuf just throws off the proper cookie-stuf ratio and overwhelms the chocolatey goodness that is the Oreo.

Ditto for Thins – too little cookie for the amount of stuf.

And minis? What’s the point? I want to taste the cookie, not miss it altogether while it slips down my throat.

So what’s my perfect Oreo cookie?

I gotta go with the tried and true Oreo Original. We’ve been friends since childhood, and he’s learned to overlook when I do bad things… like split him open and lick out his insides.

And yes, there’s only one right way to eat an Oreo. Split and lick.

I’ll fight to the death over that one.

PS: found the above photo on Deposit Photos with the caption “Unhealthy Chocolate Cookies with Cream Filling”. To whoever came up with that wholly inappropriate caption: F@ck you.

Love, Scott

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